Steps towards better Islamic Parenting

Amr Khaled

In the past 50 years, there has been a serious change in the role of the father, not only in the Arab countries, but in the whole world. Before this change, the father used to be the breeder, the advisor, and the source of values and ethics. He provided a balance to the mother’s emotional approach with his reasonable handling of matters. Then a serious change occurred during the past 50 years. Today, and through this program, we are asking you all to help us reverse this trend which prevailed during the past 50 years and caused many catastrophes.Now, let us come closer to this change which occurred to the role of the father. The change was that the father authorized the mother to bring up the children on his behalf; as if he literally made her a power of attorney to handle this matter. On the other hand, he settled for the role of financing the family. Frankly speaking, life is not easy; I know fathers who are working day and night to provide for and secure family needs. However, this authorization to the mother was a serious mistake. Why should fathers have children then if they did not take part in their upbringing?!

The aim of today’s episode is to do away with this power of attorney. This is because mothers are not able to bring up children alone without fathers. Bringing up children is simply like a boat with two oars, each of the parents needs to row with one oar so that the boat moves. What happened in the past 50 years to the role of the father is wrong because Allah (SWT) created fathers and mothers; each with a role in bringing up children. This does not mean that I am telling fathers to leave their jobs; on the contrary, I am just pointing out to them that they have another role to play. Since fathers are the ones who chose to have children who will carry their names, then they have to take part in their upbringing.

Fathers can give children two things: material things and time. Which of these two things is more precious, more important and more beneficial to them? No doubt it is your time which constitutes your presence; the presence of values and the presence of the value of manhood for your children. The concept of the withdrawal of fathers, leaving their role in bringing up children to mothers is wrong by all means. They must immediately tear this power of attorney and reassume their role in their children’s upbringing.

Believe me you will taste the sweetness that Allah (SWT) bestows in being close to your children and passing time with them. Needless to say that, your presence must be through real interaction and not just an artificial presence with your only body and without your soul. To be present means to interact and love.

I would like to ask fathers to observe the life history of all the prophets and their roles as fathers. They were very successful fathers while at the same time delivering Allah’s message and reforming nations. Obviously, no one was as busy as they were. See the relation between Dawud (AS)[4] (David) and his son Solaiman (AS) (Solomon) and how Dawud (AS) taught his son and was close to him. As a result, the kingdom of Solaiman (AS) was more powerful than that of Dawud (AS). Look at Ibrahim (AS) (Abraham) and his son Isma’il (AS) (Ishmael) and notice how they were close to each other. Allah says what can be translated as, “Then when he (His son) reached the age of endeavoring with him” (TMQ, 37:102)[5]. Also, in another ayah[6], He spoke about their foundation of al-Ka’ba together, “And as Ibrahîm raised up the foundations of the Home and Isma’il (with him), (saying), ‘Our Lord, (graciously) accept (this) from us…'” (TMQ, 2:127). Whenever you circumambulate the Ka’ba, remember your role as a father; remember that it was built by a father, Ibrahim (AS) and his son Isma’il (AS).

Fathers must restore their role in bringing up their children for three reasons. The first one is that your sons and your daughters are in need of you. The second reason is that you really deprived yourself from the sweetness of this relation by staying away, and you are the loser by all means. The third reason is that Allah (SWT) will hold you accountable for them on the Day of Judgment.

I will begin with the first reason that your sons and daughters are in need of you. This is mostly during two periods. The first one is when your child has turned four. This is because in the first four years the mother is the pivotal person in his/her life and the father has a limited role.

Starting from the age of four to seven, your children are in need of you, especially your son. Psychiatrists say that, by natural disposition, sons try to form their personality as men during this period. They try to discover the world of men and gradually get rid of the girlish way of behaving. In this period, the son wants to imitate and be closer to his father than his mother. Moreover, he wants to attract the attention of his father by any means; but unfortunately fathers deprive their sons from this innate disposition which makes them suffer.

Your sons are in need of you and your important role in their upbringing. Notice the important role of Abdul-Muttalib, the grandfather of the Prophet (SAWS). He used to accompany him to his sessions with Quraysh’s leaders beside the Ka’ba. This closeness helped the Prophet (SAWS) experience the presence of a great man in his life which is an essential thing in childhood. Later, his uncle took over this position.

The second stage during which children, especially daughters, need their fathers is the teenage years. During this period, children encounter many psychological and physiological problems that make them seek out security. Fathers are the source of this security. Your hug and kiss to your daughter are so valuable. Notice how the Prophet (SAWS), the father, treated his daughters. He used to kiss Fatimah (RA)[7] on her forehead whenever he met her to the extent that on his final day she knew that he was going to die because he did not hurry to kiss her. Fathers should give all tenderness and love to their daughters because they need it and are looking for it.

Notice the attitude of the Prophet (SAWS) when Ali (RA) proposed to marry Fatimah (RA) and how he (SAWS) facilitated the matter for Ali (RA), especially that he did not have any money. The Prophet (SAWS) accepted his old armor as a dowry and did not ask him for anything except that he treat her well. The Prophet (SAWS) knew that Ali (RA) was the right person who would take care of his daughter whether he was poor or rich. On their wedding day, the Prophet (SAWS) went with them to their home, gathered their hands and prayed for them to live in peace and serenity; a gesture that was meant to help his daughter overcome her shyness on such an occasion.

Everyone knew how much the Prophet (SAWS) loved Fatimah (RA) which made one of the Prophet’s companions grant him a piece of land near to his home to build Fatimah (RA) a house because hers was far away. He (SAWS) was always the shelter for both Ali and Fatimah (RA), instructing them, reconciling them and simply solving their problems. This is the true role of the father. Your children are in need of you. Some children do not feel or know their fathers whom they carry their names till they die.

We reach the end of today’s episode where we explored the essentiality of the role of the father. Your children need your time more than your money. This was today’s principle in our mission to regain the family’s unity. We are not belittling the value of work, but we are looking for balance and moderation. Your effort to financially secure your children is in itself for the sake of Allah. We are trying to change a wrong notion that prevailed for many years.

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